Computer Terminology
Glossary #1

 
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.

CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a 286, a ferret if it's a 386 and a ferret on speed if it's a 486.

Default directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to.

Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.

File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered.

Help
The feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything.

Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.

Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.

Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.

Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.


Users

Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
    Novice Users
    People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

    Intermediate Users
    People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

    Expert Users
    People who break other people's computers.
Glossary #2
 
BIT
A word used to describe an amount or size, as in "This computer cost quite a bit."

BOOT
What your friends give you because you spend too much time bragging about you computer skills.

BUG
What your eyes do after you stare at the tiny screen for more than fifteen minutes.

CHIPS
The junk food computer users eat to avoid having to leave their keyboards for meals.

COPY
What you have to do during school tests because you spend too much time playing computer games and not enough time studying.

CURSOR
What you turn into when your computer won't do what you want it to do. As in, "You sorry !&$#@$%$!! computer!"

DISK
What goes out in your back after hunching over a keyboard all day.

DUMP
The place all your former hobbies wind up soon after you install your computer.

ERROR
What you made the first time you walked into a computer showroom to "just look."

EXPANSION UNIT
The new room you have to build onto your house for your computer and all its peripherals.

FLOPPY
The condition of a computer user's stomach due to lack of exercise and a steady diet of junk food. (See "Chips.")

HARDWARE
Tools, such as lawnmowers, rakes and other heavy equipment you haven't laid a finger on since getting your computer.

IBM
The kind of missile your family members and friends would like to drop on your computer so you'll pay attention to them again.

MENU
What you'll never see again after buying a computer, because you'll be too poor to eat in a restaurant.

PROGRAMS
Those things you used to look at on your television before you hooked your computer up to it.

RAM
What you do to your computer when it's not working properly.

RETURN
What lots of people do with their computers after Windows' fiftieth crash.

TERMINAL
A place where you can find buses, trains and really good deals on hot computers.

WINDOW
What you heave the computer out of after you accidentally erase a program that took you three days to set up.


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