| 1. |
Examine the software packaging
until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer
system you need to run the software. It should look something like
this:
| SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
9786 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
6,000 MHz
719.7 GB FREE DISK SPACE
3546 MB RAM
05948737 MB RPM ANTILOCK BRAKING
SYSTEM
2 TURTLE DOVES
NOTE: This software will not
work on your computer. |
|
| 2. |
Open the software packaging
and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing,
operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away. |
| 3. |
Find the actual software,
which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or a CD-ROM,
located inside a sealed envelope that says:
| LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking
this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions
of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva
Convention and the UN Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent
Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms and conditions, real
and imaginary, as the Software Company shall deem necessary and appropriate,
including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard
drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take
it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible by the dawn's
early light, finders keepers, losers weepers. |
|
| 4. |
Hand the software to a child
aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my
computer." |
| 5. |
If you have no child age 3
through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, select the "SETUP"
icon, and press the ENTER key. |
| 6. |
Turn the computer on, you
idiot. |
| 7. |
Once again select the "SETUP"
icon and press the ENTER key. |
| 8. |
You will hear grinding and
whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear
on your screen:
The Installation Program will
now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it
inoperable. Is this OK with you? Choose one, and be honest:
Yes!
|
SURE!
|
|
|
| 9. |
After you make your selection,
you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation
program does who-knows-what in there. Some installation programs can actually
alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has
been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories,
sub-directories, and sub-sub-directories on your hard drive and fill them
with thousands of mysterious files with names like "puree.exe," "fester.dat,"
and "doo.wha." |
| 10. |
When the installation program
is finished, your screen should display the following message:
| CONGRATULATIONS ! The installation
program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown
bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any
problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge,
or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*)$*!#$_$*& |
|
| 11. |
At this point your computer
system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing
to respond even when struck with furniture. |
| 12. |
Call the toll-free Tech Support
Hotline # listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative,
who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt
a child aged 3 through 12. |